Simon Poulter
Systems Analyst
UK


Subject: Naturelle and Happy Harmony
Date: Tue, 04 Dec 2001 10:29:50 -0800
From: simon poulter
<simon@microhenge.com>
To:
icols@va.com.au
CC:
<simon@microhenge.com>

interim report

Various fictitious people from the Foundation for Abusive Messages have contacted the office this week. As advisors on security, our department has to insist that no one from the ICOLS deals or solicits in any way with these people. It is clear from their previous record that they will attempt to disrupt and destroy our corporation. I will remind you of our by word "We Will Fuck Over Anyone Who Fucks With Us".

An agent from FAM calling herself 'Back end' has threatened malicious disruption of our server tree. It is apparent that this is a serious threat. We have now instituted a twenty times response unit which can deal with any activity. This small team is vested with the role of hitting back twenty times as hard - based on any single act or threat. We are prepared to increase this factor exponentially depending on threat level.

To some of you, this may seem over the top. I will remind you of the following scene.

Last week a senior executive was found hideously contorted in a level eight fridge. This is not a happy world, I hear you say. We have placed lucky holly branches all over the office in remembrance. The same day, two young lads stole the plant food from the olive tree in the main reception. This has been dealt with by the twenty times team.

I have received a report from another office regarding the large quantity of aspirins consumed on the premises. I will remind you that aspirins are harmful if taken for any other reason than pain. I have also been reprimanded by the people 'upstairs' for introducing liberal values during the 'scoping' workshop. When I said: "Look at the sales pitch from the client side" I should have said "Undermine every aspect of their being until they buy from us".

Also I have to say that it is easy to portray corporations as nasty and evil. But if you look at the abject filth and squalor dealt out on a daily basis by cheap banana republic governments, you'll happily wear your ICOLS badges with pride, as I do.

Finally we have now modeled three new belief systems. All of them appear to be robust and useable. Our research shows that introducing a belief system into a community, followed by a comprehensive advertising campaign will result in near 80% adoption of product.

Consequently, we are carrying out some tests on the Pacific Island of Tribula. All natives will acquire the 'Naturelle' belief system. This is a high definition 128 bit system characterised by the work of a cyber guru that we've notionally called 'Happy Harmony'. Happy Harmony can be controlled by a satellite broadband link and feeds ideas and beliefs to the community through regular 'meetings' at night. The Naturelle belief system holds that all nature is beautiful, we are one in the world together and eschews monogamy. We have found it easy to attach products to each of these beliefs. There is one problem however, we need to introduce money or some form of currency to the islands inhabitants - as presently they share everything and live entirely off the surrounding land. Simon Poulter