Simon Poulter
Systems Analyst
UK
view office

Subject: shake up
Date: Mon, 18 Mar 2002 09:27:08 +0000
From: simon poulter
<simon@microhenge.com>
To:
icols@va.com.au

 

Internal Memo - Department of Global Disenchantment 'Shake Up'

We have received a further report from Head Office about social inclusion.

It seems that we are not employing enough people from specific sectors of the community. We have argued strongly for positions to be allocated on merit, but have been told that this results in the usual white male hegemony. We have also suggested offering several new posts, at attractive salaries, organising the bus services to and from Sector 800. This is a responsible role, requiring good communication skills, an aptitude for quick decision making and excellent night vision. We have included a weighting for unsocial hours, but even so, Head Office is not happy with this. So I have agreed to organise the buses each Friday and Janick Pidiff will cover on the other days.

We were lucky to get to the interdepartmental finals of the volleyball contest, where we lost to the Dept. of Revolutionary Nostalgia. This was a close match but good luck to them and watch out for us next year.

We are pleased to welcome Jacob Ntimbi to the department. Jacob has worked widely in International Islamic Affairs, providing various organisations with interpretations of Islamic customs. Jacob is a keen footballer and brings with him several hobbies including chicken farming and cactuss collecting. Jacob has fitted in well and been fully inducted into the department's various customs, including our mantra 'hit them fucking hard and then hit them again'.

Icelandic Conveyor-Belt, our long serving personal assistant, has announced that she is with child. We wish her and her partner (Keith Lager - yes, the one in the beer adverts) every success for the future.

The new surveillance system in Area 9 has been installed. In order to pass through this area you will now require a 'B' classification permit and a letter of introduction. The old system of handing Barry ten US dollars is now deemed insecure. Barry will now sit behind the screens and you will only be able to talk to him via the intercom. Please note that any metal objects will trigger the alarms.

Jackson Radish is on holiday until September 2002. As many of you will know, Jackson has experienced a number of family problems. His wife has occupied the old Soviet Embassy building for two months and is refusing to come out. She is armed and thought to be dangerous. He has also taken delivery of a new Mitsubishi Aphid, a sensible city car that we have all enjoyed looking at in the car park, particularly as it's half the size of our other cars. Unfortunately, in its first week of service, the little car was subject to a recall and was out of warranty. Jackson allowed anger to rule his head and confronted the car salesman with some of our 'in house' techniques. I cannot emphasise enough that these 'techniques' are unofficial and therefore do not exist. Any staff using these non-existent techniques will be unable to seek refuge inside the organisation. We have been able to sort things out for Jackson on this occasion but please understand that this is a special circumstance. Any of you wishing to purchase one of these lovely cars will note that the company selling them is no longer at the same premises.

Subscriptions are now due for the annual staff lottery. I will remind you that you must provide a list of only three countries that will be destabilised. Some of you gave us a list of ten last year, which although laudable is too many. To fill out the new pink form, place your chosen list and THEN give us your reasoning. Last year's winner Mary Yule correctly predicted all three countries and wrote a lovely thesis on the Chinese Forestry Commission's real duties.

Anyway, I will sign off for now and look forward to seeing you all at the Cousins Reunion in April.

Simon Poulter

March 2002

Response from Monica Ross, Archivist, Department of Dislocated Memory